Alex MacCaw

On Pain

Alex MacCaw -

I've been staying with my friend Matt Mochary at his house in Hawaii for the last few days. He shared an excellent insight about dealing with pain that I believe everyone should hear. So here it is:

We all experience pain caused by others. Perhaps even earlier today you were dwelling on a slight, insult, or mistreatment you received. When someone treats us badly, it can be deeply hurtful. Learning to deal with this pain and process it productively is an essential life skill.

How can we best deal with it? When facing pain, I first recognize why I feel it. Often, it reminds me of past experiences, particularly the first time I felt abandoned by my caregivers as a baby. This triggers the protective mode I developed as an infant.

There are five common defensive patterns, depending on when you developed your defensive mechanism:

  1. In utero to three months: Dissociate or "go into outer space."
  2. Three months to one year: Fawn and appease to get love and care.
  3. One to two years: Endure and pretend to have no needs.
  4. Two to three years: Fight back and get angry.
  5. Three to five years: Control and ensure everyone follows your rules.

The first step is to recognize when you're in your defensive pattern. Am I dissociating, appeasing, enduring, angry, or demanding? I then ask myself: do I want to be in this defensive pattern? Of course not. 

So how do I move out of it to my higher self, or what I call my divine self, which doesn't feel pain?

I take whatever hurt, slight, insult, or mistreatment directed towards me and translate it into two messages from the other person.  This is what they are actually trying to tell me:

  1. "I'm in pain"
  2. "I need you. Please don't leave me"

Once I've made this translation, I no longer interpret their behavior as hurtful to me. Instead, I want to be there for them in their moment of need. Thus, I've moved to my higher self. My pain morphs into empathy for someone else’s pain, situation, and needs. I am there for them.

What happens next is the true magic. I find that when I actually do this, the other person magically stops doing the behaviors that I perceived as painful. So, it's a double-whammy. I no longer feel pain from their behaviors, and their behaviors tend to morph into ones that are much more caring and loving. Why? Because their need for love, acceptance and support are now starting to be met by… me.