The Toad

I wrote this essay several years ago to document my experiences with the psychedelic 5-MeO-DMT, also known as "The Toad." At the time, I was running a large company and didn't feel comfortable publishing it so I only shared it with a few close friends. Today, my situation has changed. So here it is.

On Sunday 4th November 2018, sitting on a beach in Mexico, I inhaled vaporized 5-MeO-DMT extracted from the glands of the Sonora Desert Toad, and had one of the most impactful experiences of my life.

DMT is a substance that has been found naturally in many plants and animals, including in our own bodies. It has a long history of shamanic use in traditional ayahuasca brews which combine DMT-infused root bark and other vines to produce day-long psychedelic experiences.

5-MeO-DMT is a close relative to DMT, but its effects are widely different. While an ayahuasca experience typically lasts many hours, 5-MeO lasts a mere 15 minutes, transporting you out of this world and back before you know it. It is one of the most powerful psychedelics known to man, and its short journey can have a profound impact upon your life.

Let's back up a little, how did I get in this situation? A few months prior a close friend and mentor told me about their experiences with this psychedelic, and attributed it to be one of the important things that had happened to them.

The way they described this experience was akin to something religious. They spoke of their world shattering into light and their bodies melting away. The concept of “I” disappears as the boundaries between internal and external disappear. You lose all sense of self, and you become one with the universe itself.

Well that managed to get my attention! Dinner party conversations in Silicon Valley tend to revolve around SAAS and burn rates, not intense life-changing psychedelic experiences. And here was someone I deeply trusted suggesting I would love this experience. I had to try it.

So what are the steps to doing Toad? Well, you first have to find a shaman who will help guide you through the experience. This drug is so intense, having an experienced person alongside you is key.

A few months went by, and I had more or less forgotten about the whole thing until a friend introduced me to said shaman. Before I knew it, I was sitting on a beach in Mexico (where the drug is legal), curling my toes in the sand, grounding myself for what was to come.

We practiced breathing exercises together, to improve lung capacity and the delivery of the medicine. My shaman heated up the compound inside a vaporizer using a hand-torch as I inhaled.

What happened next is hard to describe. Mostly for the fact that, for the very first time in my life, the narrator part of my brain had been switched off. I felt like my body was strapped to a rocket ship blasting off into infinity.

And then I saw the most beautiful vision of my life. Well, I say saw, but really it was more of a feeling. The edges of my body melted away, my ego receded, and all that was left was pure love.

I had the intense feeling that everything was connected as part of one beautiful system. I was just cosmic dust dancing with the rest of the universe. I had no fear. No I. Everything was perfect.

Then, as quickly as it began, I came back to reality. As I woke up I realized I was crying, sobbing with a mixture of happiness and awe, covered in sand, hearing the sounds of waves crashing.

So how do I feel like this experience has changed me? Well, I attributed it to kick-starting my emotional maturity. I started to learn to express my emotions, to cling a little more loosely to my ego, and to let go. To be vulnerable, and to feel all feelings.

My story is fairly typical in Silicon Valley, an unpopular nerdy kid driven by insecurities and external validation to succeed. After the toad, I feel that flipped, from a fear-based motivation to joy based. I've started seeing a therapist in order to help me process all of this (and now I'm of the firm opinion that everyone should have one).

So far I've helped a dozen friends through the experience. Some of them have had similarly profound experiences, like showing them what life was like without their fog of deep depression. For others, it was little more than a curiosity.

Of course, these kinds of experiences need to be treated with profound respect and frankly some trepidation. For example, I wouldn't dabble in this if you have any kind of schizophrenia issues in your family, or if you don't have the proper support system and guidance. But I'm writing about this because I believe that this medicine, and psychedelics in general, have the potential to radical improve the world.